Arthro-Pilates and Lupus





Is It Okay To Be A Single Woman?

I have this lingering question going round and round in my head lately. “Is it okay to be a single woman?”

Maybe it’s the fact that I will be turning 44 next week, or maybe it’s the fact that everywhere around me, women seem to be settling for relationships with men that are lets say less than adequate. It’s as if women have taken the stance that being with somebody, anybody is better than being single, better than being alone. I don’t know if this is occurring more often, or if I am just more attuned to the situation, but lately more and more stories are popping up of women who are in relationships that are personally destructive. Whatever happened to “I am woman hear me roar”?

I am sure the women who started the feminists movement would be choking on their anti doormat rhetoric if only they were to hear these tales of self destructive behavior. I remember when the first issue of MS. magazine came out. It was the seventies, I was in my mid teens, and was proud that my generation would be a group of women who were confident, self assured and who encompassed a healthy set of values and self esteem concerning issues that pertained to women. After all, we were now in the workforce full time, holding positions of power and were able to take care of a family as well. But what ever happened to the single woman? Even today, it’s as if being a single woman over a certain age is akin to being in a desert storm without water. You have to have it, you will die without it, You need it now! I am of course talking about a man. And that man, that all important “relationship” will be sought after at any price, even if the price is dignity, self respect and the denial of our truth, that we as women do not need anything to make us complete in this society. We are already totally competent, fully functioning individuals who can handle life’s ups and downs just as well single as with a partner. I am not saying that being in a good, healthy relationship is not rewarding to all involved. It is, but what I am talking about is the fact that I see a trend developing in this supposed liberated millenium towards woman accepting unacceptable behavior from their partners because they are in a dreadful fear of being “Alone”. Women, who from outward appearance seem to have it all, are staying in relationships that are abusive, demeaning and downright corrosive to their own selfhood because it’s better than being single.

I have heard story after story of women who are dating married men, because there are no “available single men”, and stories of women who know their partners cheat “but it’s okay because at least I am not by myself”, or women who are in loveless marriages, without sex and they have told themselves that “this is normal”.  And of course, there are the women who’s husbands abuse them, physically, emotionally and verbally, but they will tell you that “he is their soul mate, they love him and they can’t leave.”  Now I do understand how childhood experiences can create this needy dependency on a relationship, but from what I can tell, the over riding component in all these scenarios is the fear of being a single woman in today’s society.

I myself have succumbed to this way of thinking more recently than I would even like to admit, but I have to tell you, it was a real wake up call to who I am as a woman in this world. I was standing at the doorstep of a man whom I had been dating and who from all intelligible observation was treating me very poorly. Basically I was begging him to want me, to stay in a relationship with me, and at that moment, I understood that it had nothing to do with him, but that it had everything to do with me, my childhood and how I saw myself as a woman, more to the point as a single woman. I am telling you I have never looked back. It was at that point that I began to ask myself that question. “Is it okay to be a single woman?”

When will others ask themselves this same question and when will we be able to answer with a resounding “YES”?  When will we, as single women, be able to feel complete, and whole, with or without a man, and when will society accept the single woman as “good enough”? I hope it will be soon, if not for us, then for our daughters to come!


©Lori Weisbrod


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